Aussie’s revenge after ‘creepy’ email

Earlier this month, I got a creepy email from a stranger with the subject title stating: “Check your Insta inbox”.

The body of the email said: “Could you please rate since you are the guru”.

I instantly had a gut feeling about what it would be – a d*ck pic.

And surprise surprise, lurking in the dark recesses of my Instagram DMs was a message saying: “Jana Jana Jana!!! Since you are the guru lol rate me”, accompanied by a graphic and unsolicited image of his genitalia in a bath. His hand clutching his thin Woody Woodpecker proudly between his legs in knee-deep water. Oh, and some very distinct leg tattoos. (Rookie error, you should never send nude pics with details that can out your identity).

It was all very strange. And very unspectacular.

I had reached my limit of strangers sending me d*ck pics – especially this creepy dude who even went to the effort to track down my personal email. So I decided to take action.

I clicked on his Instagram account and sure enough, it was a business account for custom-made motorbikes. Oh, and it had his mobile number. Jackpot.

I took a screenshot of his email and posted it to my Instagram with a caption saying: “So I looked … and yep, it’s a d*ck pic. And yes, he hunted down my email as well. Please feel free to send (I tagged his full Instagram name here) a **middle finger emoji** from me. Not today Satan”.

I knew he’d likely freak out when he saw my post, and I expected a barrage of middle finger emojis from my followers. But what he did next just infuriated me more.

As expected, within minutes, he sent me desperate DMs begging me to take down the post. However, there were two words he kept repeating that made it clear he wasn’t getting the message.

Our exchange went like this:

Him: “Please take it down.”

Then he sent me a video of his bank account. I kid you not.

Him: “Sorry I will compensate you for my stupidity.”

Him: “I thought you were a free spirit.”

Now, I need to take a moment to explain why his “free spirit” comment was so infuriating. This guy, clearly lacking any common sense, somehow convinced himself that because I write sex-positive articles and advocate for people to embrace and explore their sexual needs, it would be perfectly acceptable to send me an unsolicited picture of his penis. He hadn’t even asked for my consent before flashing his ding-a-ling at me.

And so back to the messages …

Me: “How dare you send me something disgusting.”

Him: “OMG I’m sorry.”

Me: “I didn’t ask for it.”

Him: “I didn’t mean to.”

Him: “I thought you were a free spirit.”

Grrr … once again with that “free spirit” line. It really wasn’t helping his case. Bugger it, I thought to myself. If he’s going to keep up with that line of excuse, I’m keeping my post up.

Him: “Sorry I will compensate you for my stupidity.”

Yes, dear reader, I do believe he was trying to bribe his way out of a public shaming.

Me: “Don’t EVER send a woman a picture of your penis.” (I really wanted to give him a scare here).

Him: “I just thought you were a free spirit Jana.”

Him: “OK I hear you!!!”

Me: “It’s sexual harassment.” (Once again outraged with the “free spirit” excuse).

Him: “OK true.”

Him: “Please take it down.”

Him: “I will compensate you for my stupidity.”

Him: “I always seen your story’s (sic) and thought you were a free spirit.”

Him: “I missed it by a long shot.”

Me: “I don’t want compensation I want women to stop being harassed by creeps like you.”

Him: “I missed the free spirit memo by a long shot.”

Him: “Look I apologise Jana I hope I didn’t ruin your day. Please take down your story. And I promise I won’t send anything like that to you again!!!”

Me: “But you keep saying ‘free spirit’ and it’s not about being a ‘free spirit’ it’s about not wanting to be sexually harassed on my own Instagram or email.”

Him: “I miss judged (sic) by a million miles I’m a business owner and this will ruin me. Please I’m only 24 years old.”

OK, so by now I knew I was going to take it down, but I really wanted to drive home the message, so I responded:

Me: “Say sorry and you will NEVER send a woman an unconsenting d*ck pic again.”

Him: “Sorry I will never send a woman an unconsenting pic again.”

Me: “ … and NEVER contact me again f**king creep.”

Him: “Thank you and sorry Jana.”

Me: “I’m taking it down and blocking you. Now f**k off.”

Him: “Thank you I apologise you don’t know how much you’ve saved me and my business. Thank you. Thank you!!! Thank you!!!”

And with that, I blocked him and took down the post.

Upon reflection, was I slightly tired, hormonal and due for my period? Yes. Do I regret it? Absolutely not.

So men, for the love of god, can you pleeeease stop sending women you follow on Instagram (strangers!!!) your creepy unsolicited peckers?

Like I’ve stated previously, they’re not cute. They won’t turn us on. We don’t want to see them.

And mate, you asked me to rate it, so I will publicly right here and now. I rate it a 3-out-of-10 at absolute best. Oh, and your bath could do with a good scrub.

Jana Hocking is a columnist and collector of kind-of-boyfriends | @jana_hocking