Cafe sign leaves new mum on ‘verge of tears’

OPINION

I’m a mum to a four-month-old and these days I can eat and drink so fast that if it was an Olympic sport, I would win gold.

But never have I ever drank my coffee so quickly as I did last Tuesday after spotting a notice inside a local cafe that left me on the verge of tears.

I was on my usual morning walk with my son in his pram after a fairly terrible night of many wakes and feeds.

As he finally fell asleep, I decided to go into a cafe I’d never been to before for a much-needed coffee and some food. There was a bit of back and forth between two staff members as I asked for a table inside with room for a pram.

I was surprised to see there were no other parents with children inside, given it was in such a high traffic area and midmorning is usually peak hour for mums and bubs in cafes.

After I sat, I flicked through the menu looking for something to eat.

But as I turned to the back page there was a notice which read: “Parents, in consideration of other diners, children should be seated while in the restaurant and as a courtesy to other guests we ask that you please comfort crying children outside”.

I was stunned. Immediately flustered, I debated getting up to leave, but then the waitress came over.

I stammered out my coffee order, plus a pear and raspberry bread which I figured would be the quickest to come out.

I waited anxiously for my order, praying my son wouldn’t wake up. His naps are still unpredictable in length and sometimes he wakes like the angel he is, smiling and slowly opening his eyes.

But much more often he likes to wake with a cry because he is hungry and ready to be fed, and will then fuss and make noise after feeding as I burp him.

Thankfully my order came out promptly and I wolfed both down in record time, getting up immediately to pay for my order and leave.

I breathed a sigh of relief as I left and felt the tension I’d been holding leave my body.

But I felt upset and bruised by the sign, which seemed unnecessarily hostile, for the rest of the day. Now, more than 24 hours later, I feel angry.

As a first time mum, I’ve struggled a lot to leave the house solo with my son. I was treated badly by some (now former) friends while pregnant which impacted my confidence as I first navigated leaving the house with a new baby in tow.

My first few outings ended in tears (for both me and bub). But I’ve been slowly learning that it’s okay for my baby and I to take up space and make noise in public, even if he cries.

Cafes were some of the first places I went solo with my son. I’ve sought shelter in them to breastfeed and to socialise with other mums and bubs.

They’ve also been a place of respite for me when I’ve needed to get out of the house. Ask any mum and they’ll tell you a cafe is a safe space.

If I had seen a notice like the one I saw on Tuesday on one of the first few times I left the house, it would have shattered me.

I can only imagine how many other mums have read it before me and also felt uncomfortable and worse, unwelcome.

Of course, in the past I’ve not been immune to feeling a flash of annoyance when I’ve been out somewhere and there’s been a noisy or crying child near me.

I’ve felt the same way when I’ve been at the movies and someone’s phone has gone off, or a group of people have been talking a little too loudly at the table next to me.

But unlike a child, a phone can be switched off and a group of noisy people can be asked to speak more quietly.

For babies, crying is their only form of communication, and a crying child is not a child who is behaving badly.

Policies like the one I saw in that cafe notice don’t just target children, but also women.

As the primary caregiver, mothers bear the brunt of views like this that leave them feeling excluded, unwanted and isolated at a time in their life when they need the most support.

I can’t help but think of Trisha Faranda, who was heckled at Arj Barker’s comedy show in April by audience members and then asked to leave by the comedian.

Ms Faranda had brought along her seven-month-old daughter and was breastfeeding her. The baby had been doing what babies do and making noise during Barker’s performance. This natural form of expression from a baby was deemed so offensive Ms Faranda faced vilification after the incident was reported on by news outlets.

The Melbourne mum explained later that her daughter had been with her because she was exclusively breastfed and refused to take a bottle.

But it’s not fair to expect mums like Ms Faranda to exclude themselves from society to save a few disgruntled people from some mild discomfort.

The common problem in these situations aren’t the children, but the adults who spit the dummy and forget they too were little once.